Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Releasing The Sufferer

I'll try and give you the readers digest version:
I'm in the midst of an enormous 'life' drama. I'm 50 yrs old & last April my husband and I started reading Jed McKenna, had been following
this 'train' for years but he really brought it home for us. Then, out of nowhere, the husband tells me he has to go into this 'dark place' alone and needed me to move on- move out. So I'm trying to make sense of this drama, the movers just delivered my stuff this morning so I have lots of time to think while I try and rebuild, well, everything.
Darren tells me you're the one to talk to. Can you guide me through this?

Hi D.
Thank you so much for writing. It is my pleasure to assist and help you through seeing the illusion.

I see you read Jed and deconstruction has started. I read his books and indeed it brought a lot of darkness. I was doing autholysis and sometimes it felt horrible.

There is no need for that. We can look at the centre of illusion, knock down the core, take out the root and the rest unfolds naturally.

So I will be asking you some questions and all you need to do is answer them with 100% honesty what feels true.


So let's look at where you are at the moment.
There is no separate self at all in real life, is it true?

Thank you. I believe that is true and see it with clarity at times but
50% of the time I find myself sucked in to the drama of the shock &
heartbreak of my situation. Making it "stick" seems impossible when
I'm still feeling like I have to think about and control the basics-
roof over head, food in the cabinets, money, change of address card,
unpacking. A thousand little things that have to be done and I try to
surrender with the understanding that it will, in fact, get done.

I will give you 100% honesty and am excited about the process which
does not involve autolysis- I tried that for a month before this turn
of events and didn't feel I was getting anywhere.
Great! Let's start!
As Jed says, no belief is true, so from now in please answer with what feels true, not what you believe. We need to go past belief and test everything.

Ok, so tell me, when you look at this "there is no self at all in real life” what happens inside? Is there fear, resistance, uneasiness, doubt, can you identify the feeling?

I recognize a little uneasiness/fear but also some relief. During the times when I can really see it clearly, all I feel is relief. Like the pressure is off and it almost feels like joy. But I can't stay there.

Next thing we look at resistance itself.

As there are many beliefs in the system, some if them conflict and fight with each other. So resistance rises as a result of conflict inside.

Yes, you can feel it in the body and it's an unpleasant feeling. There is fear involved and we will work through that.

Fear is a security system. It keeps the body safe, so you don’t jump of buildings and so on. It protects something and it works as perfect mechanism. Can you appreciate the fear itself?

Now, if there is truly no self at all, then it's nothing to protect, right? Only illusion.

Can you look at the possibility, that there is no self at all again, notice the fear identify it and ask it to come closer, just observe it. Don't go into detail of fear, but look at it as a phenomenon itself. You can ask it to reveal its wisdom. Just stay with it for a little while and see what happens.

You can close your eyes and let that fear be there, sit with it, look at how perfect it guards something. Honour it. It sounds strange, but do it.

Then look, what is behind the fear? Is there anything at all? What do you find?

It's funny you mention that fear. I've been thinking about that part a lot lately. To be perfectly honest, I've toyed with the idea of suicide quite a bit these past few weeks even written letters to my loved ones asking for their forgiveness (won't be sending them) but
pray for death daily. So I have wondered about this fear and where it comes from since I sincerely hope to die. I'll think on this for a little while and let you know what I'm able to come up with.
Thank you.

You don't need to die,. What 'dies' is illusion. It may feel like the end of the world, but it's only the end for imaginary self. Santa is not real too and when you found that out, Santa did not die, just belief of it being real fell.

I know how you feel, as after Jed's books I too waned to die. It was horrible time, but it will pass.

Facing fear itself is not gonna kill you, it's just gonna reveal what fear is, not as much the content as the mechanism itself.

We don't have to be scared of fear. Fear is here to protect. It feels dark and solid. But it's only fear. As they say- False Evidence Appearing Real.

Just bring it closer and look behind, you will be surprised.

Much much love.

I've spent some time with that fear and looked at it closely. What I find is that it's not a fear of "death" at all but a fear of meaninglessness. That what I have seen as "my life" may have no value, purpose, has been for nothing. That the special and unique "me" never was and that creates the physical and emotional feeling of fear. When i look closer, i don't see. Is this ego?

PS I've wondered about the character Julie from Jed's first book and about the scene at the cafe when they meet after she's gone through the process. She had to leave, crying, before she could come back and sit down. I know it's fiction but this never made sense to me. If she was truly "gone" why was she crying?

I don't remember the scene very well as I read it a year ago. Let's leave it for a bit and we can come back to it later.

Meaninglessness. Yes, life has no meaning. It just is. It's the mind that is always looking for meaning and creating it so that the "self" could feel better. You can say that meaning of life is life itself.

But what is a meaning of flower? Does it need to have a meaning to exist? Every flower is unique, even if you have blossoms on the same branch, they are each individual and unique. That uniqueness does not disappear. Only specialness does.
We are not special at all. Only thoughts about how important is to be special and keep it at all cost are here.

Ego does not exist. It's a story.

What is here is life going on plus labelling of the mind. Which is also going on by itself. The illusion is that it is "me" thinking.

But "me" does not exist in reality.

Can you look here now and tell me if it's true.

I can say that is true. I see the truth of it more every day. The process seems to have a life of its own and "I'm" just watching it unfold but its two steps forward and one step back. I've enjoyed reading your blogspot with the tips and other people's experiences. I began writing in a journal back in April but haven't in the last several weeks. This process is painful for me, or maybe it's my life circumstances. I've begun to wonder if all this is happening for the reason of awakening. Is there a "Grand Design" or a single intelligence behind life's living?
I have another question:

I can see that life is living itself and "I" is an illusion, but whenever I think about the suffering that my husband has caused me I can't seem to fit that in with the "everything is as it should be" model. I feel angry and hurt and it pulls me back into "me".

Yes, D, life is living itself. And all is happening for a reason. It may take some serious pain for some to wake up. But it's not necessary.

Ok, next step we examine thoughts.
Can you close your eyes after reading this and find in there something that always is present. That sense of beingness. Am.

Notice the space, notice thoughts appearing and disappearing. Where do they come from? Can you control them? Can you stop a thought in middle?
Can you see how every event in awareness, be it sensation, sound, feeling is labelled by the mind.

Mind is a labelling machine. It immediately translates what's going on in words. Plus, when nothing is going on mind goes into past and future and chats constantly.

Can you get back to me with what you find here.

I can sense the beingness. I've noticed the thoughts and wonder if these thoughts come from the same place as in a deer, deciding which direction to walk, or a bird making "decisions" about what step to take, where to fly. Are our thoughts from the same One? Only more complicated?
I see how this mind labels and categorizes. I've wondered about how past and future are constantly a part of the inner narration. Are we all insane as Tolle says?

I've been up all night. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I need some relief, to stop thinking about it or to find just an ounce of joy somewhere. My mind and body feel so weak and broken down.
Thank you for being here.

Yes D, it has that effect on the body. No sleep, no wanting to eat, intense burning.
It will pass.

Thoughts come and go from nothing. Void if you like.
I is also just a thought. It has no power, no control, it can not think. It's just a thought like deer, or tree, or whatever.

When you look at thoughts, notice that some thoughts refer to something that is real- tree, table, window, hand.

But not all thoughts refer to real things.
Look at the thought 'i'. Is there an I in the room?
Can you see that I is just a label referring to thoughts about I, nothing else. And it appears and disappears effortlessly. It has no control at all.

Can you see that?

I'm here for you, we will work this out, it's not much left.

Seeing is happening already, without a seer, all is just flowing effortlessly, can you notice that.

There is no you to notice it either, just noticing. Happening. " I notice" is just a label of experience.

Write what is being seen in the room at the moment.

What is being seen in the room at the moment:
Lots of boxes that need unpacking and misc chaos. Quiet. Intense emptiness. And this body typing on the iPad.

Nice, I'd like iPad ;)

How is the typing process going. Look there, what happens there. In detail, please.

Thought arises and fingers type. I watched the video you had posted on your site and was amazed about the 6 seconds that it takes for brain to inform mind. All very confusing in this context.

I feel like a puppet. Acting on thought that is not mine. I read one time about the artist, author, songwriter being nothing but like a limb of the one. You can't be prideful of a hand that paints a nice picture or a pen that writes a good story. Is this right?

Yes, it's right.
I came to see that I'm not an artist, just a brush. How can a brush be proud? There is no one to be proud.

There is no you to feel as a puppet.
Of course thought is not yours, there is no you at all to own anything.

So look: thought arises, fingers type, all this is happening by itself, how can there be a director?

There is no you to see through.
It's just looking through happening by itself. Brain is resolving the conflict by itself.

What is being noticed?

I think I'm there -only there is something that wants to hold on. Maybe fear, relinquishing control but I'm beginning to sense that there was never any control by "me" to begin with.
More time I think.


Seeing is happening!
Feeling of holding on is happening, but there is no you to hold on, just feeling arising. + labelling happening.

No, there never was any control by 'you'.

Like there never was a Santa!

What's happening?

Hoping that there would be some relief with seeing. No me but still much pain. How can this be? How can this suffering continue. How can this D continue life?

Tell me, please, what is D

Nothing. A paintbrush. A costume. An expression of a thought. No more than a tree or a stone.
That's why there's no understanding of why it continues to cry. Shouldn't there be some disconnection from this emotion?

look from slightly different angle:
There is a story playing out, a story, where D is a main character. Can you see her? Can you see how beautiful she is? Can you appreciate D? I appreciate D very much. <3

There is no driver, but there is the story, a real story. Real fiction. D is here now, look..

The suffering is part of story. As stories go, you never know what's round the corner.

Who is suffering? Is there a sufferer?

Thank you for your help and your kindness. You are a lovely expression.

Thank you D for looking.
Let's talk tomorrow a bit more, rest now.


Hi D
How is world looking today?
Please write to me.

Much better. Much. I will check in with you tomorrow.
Thank you

Thank you!
Smiling now.

Big hug

I: Could you answer me these questions, so I know precisely where you are.

1) Is there a you, at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?

2) Explain in detail what the self is and how it works.

3) How does it feel to be liberated?

Thank you. :)

I don't know anything right now.
There's too much in my head. Just dealing with the details and drama of what's going on in this life are overwhelming. I made an appt with a therapist for this afternoon to help me with the emotional mess. I won't be mentioning the "no self" business to him, but I'm on the verge of losing my sanity.
Thanks for staying with me. I'll keep in touch.

Let whatever comes up be ok...
Just watch it pass by. Nothing is here to stay, all impermanent... The overwhelming feelings are not permanent, this too shall pass.

It is a huge shock to belief system, yes, and all beliefs that have no where to attach are starting to fall. Hold on to nothing. Holding on only creates suffering. Let it all melt away. Release... Even holding in to your sanity, it's all just a concept. These are just thoughts passing by. There is no I to be sane or insane.

Good that you are seeing a therapist. He may help you to calm down... Please keep me updated. Let me know if I can help you with anything at all.
Lots of love.

Thank you so much for this- "let whatever comes up be ok".
"Holding on only creates suffering- Release"
The very words I needed to hear. I am releasing.
I've read this email 6 times.
I should be seeing you once a week ;)

You are a such a gift.

After you done, you won't have to see anyone.

How was you therapist yesterday?

Let's give it some time to settle and we carry on. Write to me when you are ready.

I think the train wreak portion of the program is over ;)
The seeing is happening and the me is disappearing (has disappeared?). The suffering I was (am) going through feels more & more like just suffering, but not to a 'me'. All day today I "saw" it, recognized IT. It's hard to explain, but a definite shift has occurred. I was awareness for a majority of the day. But I've thought of a couple of questions:

When you are involved in an experience, and your mind is on whatever is happening, brain work you could say, is there some part of "you" that forgets that you don't exist? Or do you always "think" about not being?

Another question: When I switch the channel on the radio without thinking and it surprises me because I had not thought to do it, who was surprised?
Here's where I feel I am today:
#1 Is there a you? There doesn't appear to be a me. I am curious how you will answer my question about who was surprised by the radio- my sense is that the answer is the mind which thinks that it's the thinker- that mind still operates as if it exists, but it isn't real. I don't have this completely understood yet.

#2 explain in detail what the self is and how it works. See #1. I can regurgitate what I've read, but I need to take some time to spell it out clearly in my own words...

#3 how does it feel to be liberated? Today, it has felt free, unburdened by worry of making wrong choices. I've kept yours words close today. Surrender.

More later.

I'm sooo glad to hear, D, that the shift has occurred and suffering is dropping.
One more step- awareness just is. There is no you in there, it is not personal. Look at a cat, is he awareness? It's just like a space which notices itself.
Tell me, does awareness needs an 'i' to be aware?

As for first question:
Until all old programming is cleared and processed, the mind refers to 'no you'. Then it just drops. You'll see, it's not something I can explain. I don't think now about it at all, just living life.
It may take a few months to clean the clutter.

Second: yes, who was surprised? Was it just feeling of surprise appearing? And mind labelled it as ' I'm surprised?'

To all this I can answer with a video. It's an hour long documentary about scientific search for self.

Watch it and them answer all 3 questions again. :)

Much love!

When you went through this, did you have nightmares? I have horrible nightmares EVERY night. I don't even like walking into the bedroom anymore.

I did not have nightmares, no, but it's different for everyone. I stopped following dreams, they are just dreams now, brain processes with no meaning.

Did you watch that video?

Big hug

I watched the video and it really gave me a lot to think about, actually, it felt like real evidence for what i believed anyway. To be honest, I've spent much of the weekend trying to distract myself from the heaviness of this no self business. But this evening I've been drawn to Eckart Tolle. I have some of his books on audio and I find his voice to be very soothing. I'm taking his advice and spending time facing and embracing my grief, saying yes to what is and coming to terms with the fact that no one has any choice in what they do. I have looked long and hard and can find no evidence of a me. I feel Source acting through me and believe that all "I" need to do is allow it without resistance.
Surrender is difficult to maintain. I can surrender 50 times a day and find that I need to surrender again. It's like I've always heard of forgiveness - it's not a one time thing, it has to be done over and over.

I see that there is still a lot inside that needs to be released. Of course, so many years of piling it up and stuffing feelings as far away as possible.

One thing, notice, that surrender is also happening by itself, no matter what thoughts about it say. :)

Yes it's a ride without driver, any time you feel like you are driving- it's just another idea ready to be released.

It will get lighter and clearer in time. Relax more, deeper. All is taken care of. :)

So maybe you are ready to review the last 3 questions again?

Much love.

Ok, here are my answers today:

Is there a me? There is a body which functions on it's own as any animal. The "me" which was there was an illusion created by the ego.

What the self is and how it works- the self is the mistaken attempt by the ego to project itself as separate from everything else. I AM the source of everything that is, acting and experiencing everything as and through this form of D. D is limited to her experiences just as a dog or cat can only experience through it's own being. But they are only tools used to experience and to act out the One Life that lives through everything. I AM that. The self is no thing.

How does it feel to be liberated? I would like to say it feels peaceful and easy, but the experience of this life continues, at times, to be unbearable. Knowing that I AM in this form may take some more time, but I experience a constant drive to end this life. I understand that the thoughts are of The Source so "I" am torn as to act on these thoughts or to simply watch them pass and continue on to tomorrow.

I realize after reading this that D sounds like a terrible mess, but that's just a label, too.

It’s great, D, thank you.
Two things that seem odd:
illusion was created by ego.- is ego real? Can it create anything?

I am the source of everything that is. -what would happen to everything that is if there was no you? Can you look a bit deeper here. What is the source?

It’s all unravelling already. Mess is getting cleared... :)
with love.

Illusion must then be created as everything else is created - by the One Source. The nature of this "life". You're right; it doesn't make sense that the ego, which is not real, could create anything. Is this true?

By "I am the source" I mean that I am not me, in this body, this individual, but rather a part of the One Source. Call it God or Life or It. I read somewhere that sunlight flowing through a red glass appears red, through green glass, green. iT appears through this being as me, but I am still a part of that 'sun'. If there was no me, nothing would change. I see it as the realization of the 'I AM'.

Am I on the right track?

Dear D.

Seems that you have graduated! !!!

Is there anything else I can help you with?

If you are on Facebook, there is a group there for all new 'liberated', a place to share, explore, support when needed. If you don't have an account, you may create one, doesn’t even need to be on your own name if you don't want. Would be great if you joined. Just find me through my blog. And please let me know if it's ok to put our conversation on the blog. :)

Much love.

There's still some unresolved garbage, but I really appreciate your help.
Thanks for the Facebook invitation; I'll look for a link on your blog page. I don't mind if you put this on your page, but I would rather you change my name since D is my real name.
I'll look for you on Facebook and hope to talk to you again soon. It’s been such a gift having you to communicate with.
Much Love

Thank you.

It's been a pleasure to assist. <3 any time you have a question; I'm just an email away. But from now on life is getting interesting. :) All is working out. For me in the beginning it felt that everything started to fall into place, all unravelling in perfect ways.

Some time later

It had been about 4 months since I started reading Jed McKenna's books and the idea of no self was on my mind all the time. I started writing, trying to peel myself apart to get down to where there was nothing, but there was always something, and the mind chewed on it and turned it around and tried to make it fit. I bought books by other authors and was always trying to find a way to get my head around it and make it stick. It was all intellect, the mind trying to figure it out. It wasn't until life was turned completely upside down that there was an opening. The identity was clinging so hard to the heartache and misery, "my story", but it was that VERY suffering that I first was able to recognize as suffering- appearing without the me. 

Over time, with Ilona's help, I looked, really spent time alone with what I Am that I began to see the emotions passing through and relaxed the grip of the "I". There was no sudden "happening" as I had anticipated, it felt as if the bulk of "me" just dissipated like a ghost. I say the bulk because I've found, just over the past week or two, that the mind slips "me" in every now and then. It's like mind keeps trying to recreate a me. But there never was one. Life lives directly, experiences directly and continues the "story" by itself. There is recognition when the mind does this and then it falls away. I "see" Life acting through others and recognize it as such, but still feel annoyed, frustrated or angry or sad at times but there is no me to claim it! Only seeing, feeling, experiencing these emotions- watching them pass through. 

One other thing worth noting: This person I've claimed as me has been physically very tense for many years with the burden of imagined control (and perhaps guilt of past mistakes, etc.). Have seen pain specialists about it over years. These are noticeably better. Physically, there is a  relaxation of muscles in the neck and back which have caused this pain in the past. 
Ever Grateful for your pointing :)

1 comment:

  1. Dear Ilona
    You are doing wonderful work here - so clear and gentle - big hugs