Thursday, 28 April 2011


This feeling of sadness is visiting me today... The reason for it is that somebody close is fighting cancer. It's a fight without winners, the end is unquestionable and fatal.

I know that, what wasn't born can not die. That birth and death is a natural cycle of life and there is nothing anyone can do to change that. I'm at peace, but sadness is colouring this moment with dim, soft flavour.

The woman had a really hard life, many illnesses and severe physical pain. What is it that decides if we have good life or life of suffering, is it karma? Is it payback for mistakes that we may have done in the past lives? I know nothing about it. And it makes me feel sad. A life lived in pain is it life lived in vain?

The biggest sufferings I have experienced in my life were because I saw other people suffer and could not help them. This actually pushed me to questioning what is going on. So now I know, that what is happening is happening by itself and there is no one here to change anything. Life is going on, not caring about you me or anyone else, it's following it's laws and whatever happens is perfect. The sadness is perfect. Birth and death is perfect. Suffering is perfect. So I don't resist this moment, I write about it, I may share it with you and if you read this- it's also perfect.

Whatever is here now is temporary. The life of character has beginning and the end, just like a movie. The story that evolves is just a story, love, hate, suffering, pain and moments of ecstasy are all just fragments of life. One life.

I celebrate when I feel like and I am sad when sadness comes. Deep knowing that nothing stays as it is makes the life more intense, more full.

I just wish that we all could leave this physical experience in peace, realised our true nature and grateful for every experience we had.

I also wish that cancer would leave humans and never come back. Same as any other diseases. I wish that we found a way as a species to live in harmony with nature and suffering would be a thing of the past. For everyone.

If you are suffering, it's not too late, just please, wake up. Do yourself a favour, look with all honesty into the root of suffering, which is untruth. Free yourself, help others, lets make a difference. Before it's too late.


Friday, 8 April 2011

Another End- Beginning

Here I am at the end of another stage. The end of pointing. Seems like everything I needed to say has been said. No more burning fire that wants to shake and wake YOU up. Just smooth, relaxed ride.

There is a feeling of contentment and wholeness that is settling in the life of Ilona. Peace and quite. Relaxed great-fulness. And it does not matter what seems to be going on around.

The next stage is being set up. The big move is on a way: going to a new town, new house, next place I'm gonna call home. Just waiting for the paperwork to go through and next wave carry us over...

It has been a year since finding Jed McKenna. It's been crazy! Madness maddened- I know what that points to. And here I am after the storm of self catch and release, open to whatever comes next, trusting life and enjoying the simple being.

Here is another end-beginning taking shape.

Yesterday just before the end of paperwork thing, here was a cloud hanging in the open space, "what if..." I felt the sense of frustration rising, what if it all goes wrong, what if we don't get the house which already felt like home. What if shit happens and I have no plan B?

A friend reminded me to focus on all things that I appreciate right now. Thank you Elena! After a while of feeling appreciation the smile came back and cloud seemed to have passed away.

The drama only lives in the mind and feeds on thoughts. It's pointless. Yet necessary as it can show where lack of trust is hiding.

Mind is such powerful tool, such amazing gift. And learning to navigate it is like learning to navigate a spaceship. It can be natural but it helps to learn some tricks!

Trust in life is something that let's you breathe easy no matter what. Trust that everything that is happening is a part of bigger pattern. And the full glory of perfection can be seen in tiny imperfections... Which is perfect too. A bit of frustration in the end of the road just shows, how easy ride it has been so far.


Getting ready to move.
Such fun!!!