Tuesday, 14 February 2017

The End of the Old Life

I had a wonderful time at the retreat in Mexico last September and received many gifts from people I met there. Now five months later I reflect back to see what was the biggest impact of the experience. I've heard that there is a sweet after retreat time and then life goes to normal, but since this was my first retreat that I have ever been to, I have nothing to compare my experience. One thing I must say- life is not coming back to "normal".

I did not want to return to the UK, there was so much still unexplored in Mexico. We did not get to travel much in those 12 days we spent there and see what else the land had to offer. It felt like I only dipped my toes into the magical pond of wonder. I did not get to see cenotes or snorkel or taste some different Mexican foods. Upon arriving home immediately I felt I wanted to go back.

The big realization that dawned on me after the retreat was that I do not have to stay in the UK any longer. I and my husband have spent here many years, we made ourselves comfortable, met many friends, we were doing work that was creative and challenging and all was good. But for many years I was thinking where to go next. The UK was great, for time being, but the weather has always been an important factor and I was looking to change the climate, I just did not know where to go. I can't say I love the dampness and cold or the big gray cloud. Winters in England for me were times when all I wanted was to hibernate and wait for the spring to come which always was coming too late. Summers here did not give me enough sunshine and heat with all that big cloud and chemtrails in the sky. The cold and darkness sent me to soft winter blues year after year.

This year was no exception, I was so not looking forward to winter. After the retreat, it became clear that I want to live in a beautiful alive place with vivid colors and sandy beaches. I much prefer the sun and warmth. I feel that time has come to make a move, to get out of the place that served me well but is no longer where I want to be.

I am ready to move. I'm ready to leave behind the life we created, the tattoo studio which I really love, my friends here and LU community that emerged. I'm ready for new adventures in a new country and a fresh start. I feel that I arrived at the point where staying in cold and darkness no longer makes sense and to stay here would mean self-inflicted suffering.

I had such an amazing time at the retreat and I want to do more of them. It was great to share and receive healing, insights, joy and magic with a group of open-minded brave individuals. I would love to create experiences and support others on the journey of awakening and integration. So my plan is to go to back to the Carribean beach and follow my hearts calling. I am planning to do retreats in person and online and share with everyone that is ready to open up. The experience I had was so beautiful and loving that I want to create that with more people. I'm ready to drop the life I have and dive into the unknown, to serve awakening humans, trusting that this is what I'm called to do. This is the next chapter, or shall I say next book of my life.

I was so lucky to be introduced to people that are dedicated to their calling, creating and holding space for others to heal and to explore the nature of reality. I am very much inspired by Paul and Kathie Scott from Canada that dedicate their lives to serve humanity and Diana with Juan that are true healers with many tools to offer. I am also so grateful to have all this advanced technology for de-stressing the mind, heart, and body (PEMF mat and Ajna light). It has been amazing to be able to share this with quite a few people that came to retreat in January and made visits to our home. It is lovely to witness a change in the face and shine in the eyes, just after a short session. It has been tremendously beneficial to be able to use the mat and the light every day. The winter blues did not visit this year, just because of having a source of light at home. The light and mat will travel with us and will be part of the program at the retreats.
I will soon announce dates and programs of upcoming events that I will be organizing. Watch out space on this page for further details. You can also email me if you would like to find out more.

We are looking to end our stay in England very soon, there are a lot of practical things to sort out and things to let go. This is a real deconstruction of structure and patterns of living that will soon be replaced by the new.


On another note, I have got a few copies of Liberation Unleashed book and if you would like a signed copy, I would be happy to send it to you. It's only £10 plus postage. I would be very grateful to everyone that can leave an honest Amazon review after reading it. That would help a lot to spread the word about the book. 


Sending love... May your heart be light and happy!





Sunday, 29 January 2017

A Gift

I had a really great time at the Liberation Unleashed Intensive Retreat. It was delighful to work with a group of people that were open and willing to look at what came up, ready to release whatever it was that no longer worked in their lives. As I sat in a chair, I invited everyone to come and sit next to me in front of audience. Everyone had a chance to share and brought a gift, something that we could all relate to. Some gifts we received! There was laughter, some tears and joy. some deep silence too. We all felt softened and connected at the end.

After the retreat I thought to share something with you, dear reader, and my sharing came through as a story. 


A Gift


Carol lived on a mountain. She was leading a quiet life, enjoying walks in the nature and occasional meetings with wild animals. In the evenings she would sit in her garden under a cherry tree watching sunsets. She would dream of places that she wanted to visit and quietly wish for her life to be different. The cherry tree was in full blossom, the air smelled delicious, fresh, promising. Carol was having tea and listening to birds singing.

Suddenly she heard something. She walked back into the house and heard that someone was at the door. That was strange, she did not expect anyone, no one was due for a visit.

Cautiously she went to the door and looked through the eyehole to see who was there. The was another loud knock. She did not recognize the figure so she asked-

-Who's there?
-You don't know me, but I brought you a gift.
-A gift? Nobody ever gives me gifts. I don't want it. Please go away.
-Don't you even want to know what the gift it is? - the man's voice sounded confused.
-Nope! I don't take gifts from strangers. Leave me alone. PLEASE!

Carol felt anxious, it was getting late and the sun was just starting to set. The man behind the door felt somehow threatening. She was frustrated and one more time asked the man to leave her alone.

Knock knock!
This time the man kicked the door, getting impatient. It was rather strange that the woman did not even open the door to talk to him in the eye. People are normally friendly around here. But Carol's door stayed shut.

Carol was looking through the eyehole in the door trying to see what gift the man had, she was a little bit curious, but also fearful, who knows what weirdo was behind the door.

-You can just leave the gift and walk away! -she shouted - I am not used to strangers here, can you please leave me alone.

The man did not move. He was here bringing gifts and this kind of rejection was surprising. He wasn't going to move until the gift was received. He took a phone out of the pocket and dialed a number. You could tell he was nervous by the twitch in his eye.

-Boss, she is not opening the door. What do I do? ... Right, you are going to send me some help? ... Thanks! Appreciated. Someone will come in an hour?... Ok then.

The man relaxed a little and sat down on the steps. He settled to wait.

Carol watched the man through a window, she was hiding behind the curtain peeking at him, still confused why would anyone bring gifts to her. All her life no one gifted her anything. She had to work hard for things she wanted. She was stubborn and she could set a goal and achieve it. But she never got anything for free. She never gave any gift to anyone either. Her life up till now had no such a concept at all. What people do was not of her concern. There were no people around here on the mountain. She was alone, self-sufficient and content with her solemn life.

This man was still outside, now sitting on her porch. Is he not going to move?

The sun was almost down and it was getting dark in the room. Carol switched the lights on and was pacing up and down the room getting more and more nervous. She went to the door again and shouted:

-You are scaring me, I don't want any gifts, leave now!
-Oh, Carol, don't worry, you will like the gift, just open the door and allow me to give it to you.
-How do you know my name?!
-I know all about you, I know that you will love this gift and that this exactly what you wanted! Don't be afraid, please.
-Now you are really freaking me out! I am telling you, I don't want gifts. I'm not interested in gifts. You can keep the gift, just leave me alone.
-Are you sure? You will really like it! - the man insisted. - All you have to do is open the door and let me give it to you. Then I will walk away. I have other deliveries to do. I can not just leave it on the steps. I have to give it to you by hand and I need you to sign that you received it.

Carol was getting panicky, she even thought about going to the kitchen and grabbing a knife, just in case this man would try to break in. She was still by the door, her heart racing fast, her breathing was getting intense, she felt the tension all over her body. But she wasn't giving in. The stubbornness was holding the front of resistance. She did not know what else to do, how to get rid of that man with his gifts. It hasn't even occurred in her mind that perhaps it's ok to accept the gift. She knew strongly that unwanted gift has to be rejected. Without a shadow of a doubt, she will hold the position and wait for the man to go away. But he was still there.

She heard someone else coming up and greeting the man. She looked through the eyehole again and saw another two figures approaching.

"Oh my god", she thought, "now what"?

Knock knock 

-Carol, would you open the door please, we are friends, don't be afraid, we brought gifts to you!
-I don't want any gifts!
-But we are not leaving without giving you gifts!
-You can keep them, go away.
-But these gifts are for you. It's what you want. Can you allow us to give you what we brought and we will leave, I promise.
- now you are starting to really annoy me!- Carol shouted.

Her face was turning red in anger. How dare those people behave like that! Nobody asked for any gifts, she certainly never wanted to receive anything from strangers. And why they know her name??

-Listen, Carol, there is nothing to be afraid of. This gift is wonderful, please open the door.
-I am not opening the door, I told you already. Why do you want to give me gifts? I never asked for anything!
-That's why they are gifts, you don't ask, but they come.- A soft voice of a woman spoke back to her.
-That sounds like a twisted Santa story! I have never accepted any gifts. How can I trust that's it is not a bomb or something that would explode and destroy my home?
-It is not a bomb! Don't be ridiculous, woman. -the first man spoke. -So are you opening the door or do we have to start breaking in?

Carol raised her eyebrows.

-Really? Are you serious? Are you going to break into my house to give me gifts? What kind of insane idea is that?!
-What kind of insane behavior is to not open the door when someone wants to give you a gift?
-I told you, people, I don't accept gifts.
-But what if it's something you always dreamed of? Aren't you curious even a little bit what we have got for you?
-No, I don't want to know! I have all I want and I don't want any gifts, the best gift would be now if you all just walked away.
-But Carol, you are saying no to something that would bring you a lot of joy.
-I don't want that!
-You must be crazy!
-I'm not crazy, you are crazy bringing gifts and not going away when I say that I don't want them!
-OK,- the man said, -let's make this simple. You open the door, you allow us to give you a gift, you see what we brought, you sign that you got it and we will walk away. Does that sound simple?

Carol stood quietly. She did not know what to say. This was really strange and unbelievable. How could this be happening? She has no one to call for help too. That's why she lived in a mountain so that she could be left alone and away from so the worldly human interactions. She hated people. They always made her feel an outsider, not like everyone else. She learned that relationships are hard and it's best not to get involved in any kind of friendships. Stubbornness was her only friend. She could always trust that stubbornness will give her results and will get her what she wanted. Now, these people at the door were making no sense! Allowing to receive gifts was something that never crossed Carol's mind. It just was nonexistent. So this situation seemed like something out of a movie to her. Not real.

-Carol! Open the door!
-No.
-Ok then, we are going to stay here till you do. You like it or not. The only way out of this situation is by opening the door. Do you hear this, Carol?
-Jesus! I said no! No no no, get that?
-Fine. Be it your way. We are staying.

Carol saw all three of them sitting down on the stairs facing away from the door.

She suddenly thought, why was she so afraid. They said it's not a bomb. Hmm, shall she trust that? But why would she trust that? These people know her name and say that they know what she wants. That is rather odd. And why are they so stubborn? Why don't they just walk away?

"Ah"- she though. -"They are stubborn like me! Interesting".

Somehow at that point, she softened. It was kind of nice to see how stubborn they were. It kind of felt like they have something in common. Something that she never had with anyone else. It was always just her that would hold on to her way no matter what. Other people were changing minds all the time, but not her! She knew what she wanted and how she wanted. She was in control. She was the one that she could trust. Changing opinion was not an option. Once she got her mind set, that was it. Unbreakable. Unmovable. Solid like a marble wall. That's how she liked it. Her way or no way.

Interestingly for Carol, these people acted like she did.

That made her curious. She looked through the eyehole again. They were still sitting, talking among themselves quietly, nodding heads in agreement. She wondered how long they will stay. She knew she will not move from her position now when a competition of who is more stubborn started in her head.

And then she saw, that winning at stubbornness is not a win at all. This situation will stay here as long as she will hold it. It was really up to her to end this ridiculous game. She had that power to open the door, allow the gift and let them go, but what to do with resistance? She had the idea that being stubborn is the only way to be. But now to get her way, to get those people leave, she had to give in and change her mind. She had to open the door to breaking her hard rules and she did not like that. "Rules are good", she thought, "they help to hold everything in control and being stubborn, never changing what was decided, was the rule number one". So for Carol, this was a tough nut to crack. She thought about walking out of the house through the back door and never coming back, that could solve it. Possibly.

She looked through the window into the dark. The three siluetes were parked in front of the house and not moving.

Carol made herself a cup of tea. She was sipping it and enjoying the delightful warm. She thought about people outside in the cold. Somehow she felt something new, her heart was becoming warm towards these strange people. 

'Is that what they call compassion?' -she wandered.

The tickle in the heart was an interesting sensation. Her heart was closed for all this time, there was a blank feeling there. There was no warmth towards other people. She liked animals and birds, but humans were something to stay away from, they felt unsafe. And now something was different, unknown. The feeling almost made her stand up, make tea and take it to those people outside. But Carol did not move. She sat on a kitchen chair, sipping from her cup, confused by what was happening. She wasn't sure if to go to bed or not. Eventually, she did.

The morning came early. Carol woke up with the first rays of the sun, she immediately went to the window to check if people were still there. And they were. Sitting in the same place, unmoved. She made herself a cup of coffee and sat quietly thinking on what to do next. She can't spend the whole day trying to get rid of them, that would be a waste of time, she thought. So how to break that barrier inside, the one that screams for holding on to the rules? How to open to allow the gift so these people can simply walk away? Something has to happen! She almost cried in desperation. She almost asked for the help of angels.

Then she stood up, her hair messy, eyes wild, knees wobbly and she found herself walking to the door and opening it. She has surprised herself by such spontaneous action.

-Hello! Do you like some coffee?- words came out of her mouth that felt like someone else was speaking. 
 
The three heads turned at her, nodding- "yes, please! That would be really nice".

Carol closed the door and went to make coffee. She felt like some kind of meltdown started, her arms moving, her mind silent, something was very unusual.

Then she surprised herself even more- she opened the door and called people inside. She welcomed strangers into her home. That was unheard of in her little bubble.

They came in. They sat quietly at the table and thanked her for the warm coffee silently nodding heads. Nobody spoke. They were waiting for Carol to take action, to open up.

Carol sat with them too. Sipping coffee silently, she looked in these people's eyes and felt the warmth. She felt connected like they were no longer strangers, but welcome guests. She knew that the only way forward now it to open up. She felt tears in her eyes and softening in her heart. She felt that by allowing these people in something shifted in her whole being. She no longer felt the need to protect herself, she actually felt a delightful sensation of melting the walls that were built around her heart. And the silence grew deeper.

She was the first to speak. She mumbled 'thank you'. Tears were running down her cheeks. Her heart was open, she did not care how she looked, what these people would think of her. She felt warmth in her heart and that was very sweet.

The first man stood up, got close to her and hugged her, while she was silently weeping. That felt good. He held her for a while letting the woman soak in the warmth of the hug, giving her time to heal. Still, without saying a word they stood there surrendering to the moment.

Then Carol laughed, she felt relieved. She realized what the gift was- the delicious softening! She no longer felt the walls that she had built so carefully around herself. She felt that being open is safe, that allowing is healing, that being flexible and curious is not scary at all. She laughed as she saw how ridiculous is to resist.

The people were laughing too, giggling in delight. So sweet that this hardcore woman could finally relax. All three of them had a shine in their eyes. Their job was done. Now they can go. Their gift was received. They bowed to Carol and walked to the door, smiling silently, they left like ghosts.

Carol was left alone, she felt that something clicked, that something deep has changed. She stood smiling, allowing life to bring her gifts. No more resistance. She felt open and raw, that was unusual but very sweet. Like a river of honey was flowing through her heart. She whispered 'thank you, thank you, thank you...'

The day has started, there was a mystery in the air and softness that was never known before. Carol felt a delicious feeling of surrendering. Who knows what happens next, but now she felt open. All gifts are welcome!


Knock knock- there was someone else at the door...

Thursday, 8 December 2016

Liberation Unleashed Intensive Retreat

Here is an invitation to step into the fire of Truth. This fire will burn all that is untrue, leaving you with a pure sense of being, aliveness, raw openness to what is. 




I have held many meetings since 2012 and I really enjoyed them. Every meeting was unique, with different questions asked, with different people coming. This time I feel to do an intensive three-day retreat. It will take place at the same Friends Meeting House in Worthing. This will be my last offering in the UK. The retreat will start on Friday evening and continue till Sunday night. This retreat is going to be focused on self-realization and clearing all the blockages that may stand in the way of recognition.

Awakening is a two-fold process of recognizing that you are not a what you think you are and realizing that life process does not stop, that there is aliveness, being, an openness that is always here, now, no matter how it seems. This process does not take you away from humanness, but rather brings awakening into everyday ordinary life. Integration of awakening is an ongoing process.

This meeting will be a lot of work and it will require your readiness and willingness to be fearless and open up, to be vulnerable, to be seen, to explore what hasn’t been explored yet. You can expect to release and let go of old patterns that no longer serve. You can expect to learn how to integrate experiences of retreat into your daily life. You will learn how to deal with emotions that are hard to deal with not by reading about it but from your own experience.

I will be guiding those that come to realize the non-separateness, the absence of I that apparently runs the show called “Individual”. I will be using Deep Looking method to undo the knots and release trapped energies, that seem persistent and in a way of peace. The group work is very powerful as we all hold safe and loving space for each other as we dive deeper into unknown. You may expect tears and laughter, release and relief that come with seeing through mind created illusions.

There will be enough time for everyone to ‘sit in a chair’ and meet your deepest issues. We will work together and face all that comes up with loving kindness. Coming together in retreat creates a powerful collective field of presence which ignites and supports each participant's awakening process. Deep surrender becomes possible in an environment of trust and honest desire for that which is true.

I will also bring my Ajna Light machine to the retreat. We will have two group sessions and you will have a chance to have individual sessions with no one disturbing you in a separate room. Ajna Light is very powerful tool for personal exploration of consciousness. It is a remarkable invention by Guy Harriman. You can read more about it here. There is a lovely interview with Guy here where he talks about how the machine was created and what it is for. Please watch the video to get to know a little about it. The Ajna Light experience will give you instant relaxation; it will detox and rejuvenate the mind, as it works directly on the pineal gland. The most common description of the experience is “WOW, I did not expect that!” This Light will heal what is ready to be healed and will boost positivity, joy of life; it will calm the mind of excessive thinking and will give you a sense of harmony and balance.


If you feel the call to come to the retreat, please register by sending me an email (markedeternal@gmail.com) to secure your place. You can pay by PayPal or by cash on the door. You may attend any or all of the day sessions. (Although you are highly encouraged to attend as many sessions as you can; there is something beautiful that happens when we give ourselves the time and space to deeply relax into the intimacy of a gathering.)


Program

Friday 20th of January 6pm to 8:30pm Introductory session.

Here we will meet as a group, everyone will be invited to share a little about their journey. We will gently easing into the work.

£15 on the door.

Saturday 21st January 10:30 to 8:30 whole day event.

10:30am Morning session with Ilona
1:00pm Lunch break. Individual Ajna Light sessions
3:00pm Afternoon session
5:00pm Break for snacks and refreshments, light sessions
6:00pm Evening session
8:00 Ajna Light group session

Saturday day alone £50 on the door


Sunday 22nd of January 1:00- 8:00 Whole day event

1:00pm Afternoon session 
3:30pm Break, free time. Individual Ajna Light sessions
5:00pm Evening Session
7:00pm Ajna Light Groups session

Sunday day alone £45 on the door
All three days £100

Every participant can have one individual Light session of 20 min on Saturday-Sunday.

There is a kitchen in the building where we can make tea, use a microwave, fridge, have snacks. You can bring your own lunch if you like. There will be tea provided. There is Tesco, Costa coffee, The Lazy Brunch Kitchen cafe and a really nice Thai restaurant only five minutes away from the venue. There is a quiet beach around 20 min walk. 

If you are coming from far away and need room to stay Airbnb is a perfect option, with the rooms starting from £25 a night. Please be aware that Worthing is deceivably large, so book your place closer to the venue. Friends Meeting House is located at 


The nearest train station is West Worthing.



The room is warm, with comfortable chairs and cushions.

hope to see YOU there!
There are a few more places left, but the retreat is getting booked up pretty fast.

Tuesday, 11 October 2016

Fear of Losing Control


One of deepest patterns that run in this human software is the pattern of imagined control. And losing control is one of deepest fears that ego has. By ego I mean the assumed I-entity that supposedly owns a piece of life and is in charge of running it, like a general manager of this body-mind thing.

Fear of loosing control stems from assuming that there is a controller. The mind thinks that it is its job to be in charge of what happens. It thinks that by doing this job of micromanaging what happens in the future it is useful and without its work the system would collapse. The idea of loosing control is as scary as the idea of death. But what is that mind is in control of?

In experience, perception is happening with and without belief in a separate entity. Beliefs do not matter, vision, sound, sensations are happening on their own and are not subject to being switched on or off. The imagined control over what is happening is given by default as everybody are trained to believe that. It starts when we are children and test our boundaries. We are trained to behave and trained to train ourselves to behave. We are following norms and established patterns without questioning if that is really helpful. Conformity is accepted, rebelliousness is something that irritates.

We are trained to look at others and express opinions about them. And opinions are valued like something individual and precious. Then we view the world around us through this righteous lens, of right and wrong. And we try to change and help others where they don't fall into our fixated way of how things should be.

This is the pattern that runs deep and is evident in any argument that takes place.

"Loosing control is scary, because what will happen to me if I no longer feel in charge of how my life goes."

But what does that really mean? It means stiffness, tightness, narrow-mindedness, hardness and suffering. Because life does not need us to tell what it is best for us. Life provides us with lessons, it is The Teacher, that comes in the form of whatever people we meet and situations we get into. The egoistic mind focused on being in charge is thinking that it knows best, it is right and all those that are wrong should accept the opinion and the righteousness and conform as they should.

Now this pattern is really not helpful. It is the very tension that we are trying to get rid of. We hold a belief that someone else needs to fix their behaviour for us to be at peace. So if you think that you are awake but keep pointing fingers at others and blaming them for how they make you feel- that's a kindergarten level of relating. Being adult means owning your reactions and seeing them first. Then looking at what is behind those reactions and understanding where they come from.

To be at peace requires surrender. Peace is already here underneath all opinion-stories, underneath the desire to be in charge and in control. It is noticing that we are the flow. Bruce Lee told us- be like water. That says, stop fighting what is, release the idea of a controller, soften, be flexible and nothing will touch you. Let life live as you without resistance.

We can observe patterns. We can ask questions like - is this helpful pattern, is it useful, does it serve or is it creating tension? Is it ok to let this pattern go? What can be lost?

When we focus attention on what is wrong with others or situations, we miss the gift that life is presenting to us. It only takes a shift of attention from others to our own reactions. Reactions that are happening, including body sensations, emotions and thoughts are what we are here to notice. Then we take attention from what we think is wrong and give it to our own sensations that are triggered by outside. This is the shift from outside to inside and this is where real work is- noticing our own patterns. And when patterns are seen they get to change. With and without belief in a controller.

I use this example often of being on a rollercoaster ride, sitting in the first car and holding on to a wheel. No matter where you turn the wheel, the ride is already set and the car will follow rails. It is safe to take hands off the wheel and enjoy the ride without imagining that you are the driver.
The driver is imagined, there is nothing to loose. The fear of losing something that was never ours is irrational. But there is something to gain when we step out of the role of the general manager and surrender to life. There is a joy of exploration and freedom, there are mystery, magic and synchronicity, there are openness and trusting life.

And only love remains where used to be fear.



Be like water...

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Integration: Saying YES to All

When I started pointing to no self, I knew one thing: the belief in being a separate entity that is driving the body through life- is the core of human suffering. I called that mechanism I Virus, it was so clear to me that delusion can end and that it's my mission to make this message widely heard. The I Virus is the default program, everyone believes their I is separate from everyone else's.

Seeing through the fallacy of the idea of separateness and all ideas that attempt to describe 'what is' we call crashing the gateless gate. At the very beginning I knew I had to stand my ground and keep focus purely on the gate, I knew that there will be other realisations and integration, that seeing will deepen. I knew that at some point I won't be able to point to the gate as effectively. I mean, I was focused on pointing only to this- look, there is no 'you'.
I stood my ground, I even wrote a book and put all I had, that worked for people. There is nothing more or different I can say today. It feels that this mission is complete.

On this blog I have never shared about integration, about what tools I use, what practices I have, what works for me. We all have our own way to deepen the inner journey. I feel I would like to start sharing that just in case someone finds it inspiring and useful.

LU is running, meaning everyone is doing their part. LU is focused on guiding to see no self and that shall remain, I can step to a side and do my own thing now. I have given all I have to point to no self.

There are many many people now that realised the absence of I entity as it was thought to be. What's next? - is a common question that everyone asks.

Next is integration. Right after initial seeing I called the next phase Falling- meaning, all that does not serve falls away while all that is new and fresh falls into place. There is nowhere to land, falling is happening, destroying all certainty about how things are. Some deeply rooted beliefs and emotional traumas don't fall away so easily. Some things remain unconscious until they are examined closely again and again. I use Deep Looking process to access those areas and it proves to be very effective in releasing structures that hold an apparent person in contracted state.

All we want is freedom, expansion, love, acceptance, peace. All that does not simply come with crossing the line of the gateless gate. The gate is only an opening. The exploration continues. The falling stage can be very intense and confusing. It's not a ticket to happy ever after as many may have expected. So life brings us to looking again and again till it's absolutely clear that imagined controller is imagined.

I have gone through deconstruction process before I faced the question of no self directly. It was a painful time and there was a lot to question, including most precious beliefs that did not want to go away easily. At times it felt like killing ego, like cutting pieces away brutally and all that was necessary.

There was a lot left to clear after the opening. Some things fell off and were only noticed missing when looked back. Some things felt like I have to train the mind, to tame it, to find a new way to relate to the mind itself. It was very helpful for me to learn to say YES to everything that was showing up.

My friend Elena inspired me to try what she have learned from Pamela Wilson. Simply by saying Yes to all got me to allow whatever intense emotions were happening to just be ok. At the beginning, it felt like a practice. I kept remembering to just say yes in situations where mind would usually scream- "no, not again, I don't want this!"  After a while it kind of became natural and I could be OK within previously unwanted situations. It felt like overriding the default program manually and it worked.

There are a lot of great tools and modalities that help us deal with the baggage that still remains after crashing the gate. Being mindful, remembering to notice, to look at what is true at any given moment allows us to observe the tendencies and drop habitual patterns.

There are lots of great teachers that are helpful on after the gate journey, like Adyashanti, Byron Katie, Rupert Spira, Greg Goode, Scott Kiloby, to name a few. And of course, life brings the right teacher at the right moment in the form that is most acceptable for us. Whatever life presents, whatever presents life gives are the right ones that we need at that moment. There are no mistakes.

People are talking about stuckness, falling into traps and being unable to move forward. I know how that feels very well and I'm not immune to that either, but there is also knowing that stuckness is impossible, life is a flow; flow does not stick to anything, and whatever shows up as the next lesson, has to be learned in order to move into more expanded state. Suffering that shows up lights the path pointing directly to what is still unresolved. The unwanted emotional states are pressing to look deeper to find the root, to deal with the issue directly, without further avoiding and putting it on hold.

My life has changed dramatically just after initial crossing the line. I was working for somebody for many years and felt unhappy about the situation, so life presented an opportunity to start our own tattoo business. We have moved to another town, to a new spacious house, with a garden. It felt like a big shift and it served me well. There was a lot of residue around relationships that did not simply resolve, I had addictions and unhealthy patterns. This was a biggie for me. I had periods of highest high and lowest low, struggle to release and longing for love. All that is part of being human. All that was welcome as I was saying Yes to all. I did not expect a happy ever after and I cried a bucket of tears (or two), I got into depressive states and I was looking for the next tool to ease suffering, but in the background of all this dance there was peace and trust, that all is unfolding as it should and there are no skipping parts. There was trust that life knows what it's doing even in the darkest hours.

It is not uncommon to get into the dark night of the soul period. Once beliefs start falling off there

may be emptiness, passivity, desperation, nihilism and giving up on life. This is too part of the process. This shall pass regardless of what stories about permanence mind creates and believes. This state is necessary on the path of clearing. It's purging all that is no longer needed and is not helpful. If you find yourself in this state, please seek out support, just talking about with people that went through it will give reassurance that even this is ok and it will pass.

Awakening from the dream of separation is not meant to be pleasant as we get to face our bullshit that we treasured for years. This can be so intense, but even intensity is ok.

Okayness does not mean passivity or giving up on what is important. It's a state of trusting life, trusting that the next necessary step is exactly the step that needs to be taken. It is surrendering to life as we no longer imagine that we are the drivers. We know what step is ahead of us, what we need to do now, what issues are here to be resolved. Once the step is complete, a new step presents itself and we know what to do- we do what is happening.


This process is about unlearning all that we knew was true and settling into not knowing. This gives a sense of freshness, of mystery, of something higher at work, magic if you like. When we become less and less structured by mind created shoulds and shouldn'ts there is freedom to experience all without judgement of right and wrong. That is a blessing and there is noticeable peace underneath all mind chatter. It's always here, always available in the moment. Being able to notice that allows us to rest in the middle of a storm.
There is work to be done even while knowing that there is no doer. There are tools that work better than others. It's all part of humaning. We are designed to seek pleasure and move away from pain- it's natural to want to be happy and want dear people around us to be happy too. So I say Yes to clearing all that needs to be cleared and healing all that still needs to be healed.

May we all stop running away from pressing issues and face them head on fearlessly and gracefully.


Peace to all.
May all beings be in joy.





*last photo by Barnaby Andersun